Masked & MentalPausal

Editors Note:

That’s me. I’m the editor. I’ve just always wanted to use that disclaimer in a blog. “The writing to follow is intended as humor only. If you wish to debate the mask vs no mask argument please go back to your Facebook feed, where I am 100% certain you will find a thread to sate your desire to battle with humans that don’t see it your way. If you can’t find one, just start one. It will take less than five minutes to find a fight. This blog is intended to help us laugh a little and nothing more”. Thanks for listening. “The Editor” 😉

The face shield was donned for creative use only. The time span between placing this on my head and snapping the photo was 1.7 seconds that seriously felt like three days trapped underground. As the fog rolled up via way of my “I’m having a contraction” inspired breathing, I found myself losing peripheral sight. And then the hot flash hit…

Great. So now I’m visually impaired, fogged up and in hell. I am saving the photo above to wave in my great- grandchildren’s little faces when they dare to complain about life and how hard it is. My parents used the whole “we walked through 8 feet of snow for 12 miles to get to school young lady” way of expressing their hardships.

Oh yeah? I survived a pandemic during menopause. You got something better than that kids? No I don’t think so. Yeah, you just go whine elsewhere. And the generation before me…pfft…snowdrifts. That’s adorable, thanks for sharing.

So the area I live in has decided to make masking mandatory in all indoor public spaces effective 3 months post pandemic. A man made this decision. I know that because any woman would have considered the hot flash. A woman would have issued 12 foot circumference electric fencing to be affixed to the hips of every female over 45 because let me assure you… 6 feet is not gonna save you when we are ready to beat you to death while you stand deciding between Tide or Gain. Let me be clear, we are literally heading into a physical and emotional meltdown of catastrophic proportions. Grab the Tide or face the consequences. We are not smiling sympathetically behind the mask. We are pursing our lips and wondering if we have to wear one in prison.

Another part of me truly believes this decision was made to stop the screaming matches in the grocery store lineups. The whole “everyone gets a blue ribbon” mentality so that no one feels left out or special. I don’t think its working as well as we hoped but being only one week into this new normal I suppose I don’t have much to quantify that with. Not yet at any rate. But give it time and I am certain that something more ridiculous will present to scream about; maybe the shopper ahead of you losing their schnitzel because you dared to wear open toed sandals. Wait for it. For those not in the medical field there are finger cots ( they look like little condoms for the troll dolls) available that could be used to shield your ten little piggies if necessary. No offense to anyone that has less piggies of course but the norm is ten. No offense to trolls either, I love your hair.

I want to quickly go over the upsides to the pandemic and the things we should be grateful for. Or things I am grateful for.

1. Shaving your legs is completely unnecessary. Anyone on the beach is six feet or more away and unless they have x-ray vision you have no fear of being exposed for not touching your Bic or Lady Bic for the last 106 days. From a distance it looks like a Coppertone tan. Or a bear with a Coppertone tan. Doesn’t matter. No one cares. Half can’t see cause their glasses are fogged up anyway. Let it grow and embrace your authenticity. **This does not include arm pit hair. Please shave that cause we all know nothing tans in the dark**
2. You’ve saved a fortune on razor blades in only shaving your pits. Have you seen the price of razor blades? This is a plus. Now you can stock up on Tide for your own safety. You have surplus income. Buy the Tide.
3. You’re learning what you don’t need to survive. Prior to this adventure I was a grocery hoarder. I have learned that a half loaf of bread actually won’t evaporate in one day if I don’t run out to buy a new whole loaf as a “just in case backup”. In fact, I have learned that the half loaf is still sitting there six days later. It’s blue but it’s still there. I should throw that out. But the point is…why was I replacing what we weren’t consuming? When this is over I plan to patent four slice loaves of bread and approach No Frills. I may get rich.
4. No antiperspirant? No problem. No one will get close enough to smell you anyway. If they do they have a mask on. Still can’t smell you. Cha-Ching. More surplus income for the loaf of bread you don’t need.
5. Masks muffle words. You can freely curse at the person not wearing closed toed shoes and they will think you’ve been drinking and smile sympathetically. You won’t see the smile but it’s there and it’s sympathetic. Just be sure to change up your curse phrases because it won’t take us long to catch onto what “fluffin aspwall” really means. Be considerate and use your words to heal not harm.
6. If you tighten the strings on your homemade cloth masks you too can be a flying elephant for a day. I tried it last week. Walked through the drugstore looking like Dumbo. The downside to this is that the hearing is improved because you’ve elongated your ear drums. So I now sadly know what the masked “fluclin ijiuf” actually means. I loosened the strings and now look like I have seven chins. But at least I can’t actually hear you anymore so will smile at you sympathetically instead of wanting to throw my sanitized cart at you.
7. Masks can and most likely WILL cause middle age “wtf is this?” acne outbreaks and hide them at the same time. Win win. You won’t die and you won’t need Clearasil.
8. We have seen a significant reduction in the phrase “date night”. Sadly this phrase has been replaced by new wording that may be considered as admissible in court one day, but the good news is I think we finally worked our way through that life phase. Halleluiah praise Covid. Sorry…not sorry. Do you know that in my early marriage date night meant he washed and I dried? Oh wait…now I sound like my parents.

Do you know I survived the 2020 pandemic in menopause?

Just buy the Tide and you might too.